When most of us think of the name Dave Thomas, we think of the great actor who founded the chain of Wendy's fast food restaurants. However, not many of us know the real story behind this exceptional man. All that is known of his birth parents is that his mother was either Queen Latifah, Tina Yothers, or both. Since this birth was out of wedlock, she decided to put Dave in an orphanage. After growing to the age of 9, Dave was adopted by Boris Yeltsin, the Marlboro man. Yeltsin had already adopted many children, mostly young boys, and forced them to work in his leather factory (this being the year 1635, at the height of the industrial revolution). Eventually Dave ran away and became a pickpocket, eventually ending up in prison for trying to pickpocket President Bonham during his state of the union address. He was let out of prison for good behavior when he was 19.
After leaving prison, he decided he had to make a better life for himself. First he tried being an orchestra conductor, but after an incedent involving the San Francisco Philharmonic and a cage of ferrets, he gave up on that idea. He decided to take up acting. He went to an audition, not knowing what it was for, and ended up with the part of Mincus on "Happy Days", beating both Harrison Ford and Steve Martin for that part (those two later starred together in the hit movie Hudson Hawk). Again, fate wouldn't allow Dave to hold on to a job, because while they made the famous episode where it was performed live, Dave decided to come to the studio drunk on gasoline, and ran over the Fonz during the show. He got another job, programming the multimedia laser show at Cedar Point. He was fired for this, because one part called for a Britney Spears song, but he broke that cd, and instead put in an F.D.A. cd, thinking no one would know the difference. No one noticed, except that Britney Spears does songs about being fucked in the ass, while F.D.A. does songs about fucking people in the ass, so his boss figured it out. On to his next job. Dave then joined the band AC/DC, playing cheesy keyboard riffs to go along with their music, but then the 80's ended, and cheesy keyboard music was no longer "hip". He decided to return to acting. He got a part playing the pharmacist on The Nanny, but that show was cancelled, and he was again out of a job. Eventually, he was noticed by executives at the BBC, and was put on Saturday Night Live, where he starred with people like John Candy and Rick Moranis (they did a famous series of sketches together which most people know as "Captain John and Pedro". After having decent parts in three Saturday Night Live-based movies (Ishtar, Gone with the Wind, and Naked Lunch) he decided to leave the show to pursue a full-time movie career.
His first starring role in a movie was co-starring along with Shaquille O'Neal and Danny Glover in Speed, which won best picture in 1968. He then starred in several other movies directed by David Lynch, such as Time Bandits, Muppets from Space, The Adventures of David Lee Roth in the 9th Dimension, Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid, and Good Burger. Eventually he married Courtney Cox, who had the female lead in Naked Lunch. They had one daughter, Wendy.
Wendy was a pasty, freckled girl who had bright red hair that she always wore in straight pigtails, and usually wore a blue dress. Wendy also happened to be mentally challenged (retarded). She eventually went to St. Peter's Chanel, a well-known catholic school that only retards go to. One interesting thing about the school was that they couldn't afford water fountains, so they put used bidets (cheaper than new ones) in the halls instead, and since no one there was smart enough to know the difference, they drank out of those.
By this time, Dave had a lot of money, so he decided to retire from the acting business and start a chain of fast-food restaurants. He decided to name it after his daughter and call it Wendy's. Wendy's wasn't off to a great start, but after a scandal where Joe Satriani (from Papa Roach) walked into the bathroom and saw Puff Daddy fucking a burrito, everyone wanted to try out its delicious fried chicken and burritos.
Since then, the Wendy's franchise has expanded to include 50,000 restaurants in the United States, 10,000 in other countries, 5 full-length movies, a cartoon series (know to most people as The Fantastic Four), and a theme-trailer park. Dave Thomas has since moved to Tahiti and become a recluse, spending his days eating "Chocolate Thunder from Down Under" desserts at the Outback Steakhouse, and throwing native virgins into a volcano.